Sunday, December 19, 2010

I'm not ready yet...

For those of you that know me well, you know how much I hate change, how much I hate goodbyes, and how after many a year of having to do them how much I still simply suck at them.

I get attached. Easily. And it is hard for me to move on sometimes. Ever since I left high school I have really struggled. I loved high school. I loved the people I was there with, I loved where I was, every little thing. Going to college in small town PA has not been easy for me at all. I have struggled with friendships and where I fit in. I still do not have a clue, and I am now a senior in college. I have struggled so much with my identity and life in college, I cannot even begin to explain it.

About six months ago my life hit me in the face. I was stuck and I hated that. I began making changes, and I think most people can see that I am so much happier. But I was still in GA, not forced to deal with my life at school, which I was running from as I left the US. I needed to get out, and I did. I went to Uganda.

In going to Uganda I had no idea what to expect. I think it is safe to say in the past four months My world has been turned upside down. Four months ago I left GA to go to PA. I spent three crazy days seeing people and dealing with annoying situations that I thought I had left. Phil drove me to the airport and I left.

I did not think about the day I would have to come back, and that is where I am struggling.

It is hard to be back. As nice as it is to see my family, get to talk to Phil everyday with a good internet connection, and have real food and hot water I miss it. I miss Uganda SO much.

I feel like one of the worlds I live/lived in has to be a dream. Nothing feels real right now and I feel like I have 20 lenses to look at the world through, depending on the world that I just returned from. I have no idea which one is right and how I fit.

I know a lot of people think that I KNEW I was coming back, so I should have been prepared. Well knowing something and doing something are so incredibly different. I feel like I am having to relearn my family, my friends, and figure out where I am at. And it is not going to end soon. It is going to be a whole new world once break is over and I have to go back to Valley Forge.

I have no desire to face what is ahead. Although I am walking back into that school as a senior, I am not sure I know what to expect, whether is be people, professors, friends who have not bothered being friends once I was in Africa, classes, chapel, or anything at all. I am beyond nervous about going back. I am coming from a 95 degree weather, a focus on experiences rather than books kind-of-learning and heading into freezing snow weather and 19 credit hours. I have had a number of struggles at that school, and I do not really want to go back and face much of anything.

I am not ready for all of this. I was not ready to come back. I appreciate all I have here, and the blessing I get from living in this country, but it is not easy for me to be back. I am struggling. A lot. I know I will get there eventually, but it is going to take me some time.

I would rather retreat into a hole, live in the world that currently feels like a dream and not face reality. I hold on to God, cause He is all I have for this. I know that I will adjust, eventually. Right now all I can do is pray.

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