I have been thinking about a lot of different things lately as my time here dwindles down. One is that I am not ready to leave Uganda in 5 weeks. Part of me is, in the sense that I miss my friends and family. In the same moment I am not ready to leave my friends here, to leave this amazing semester and country and continent that I love so much.
It is hard to explain all my feelings towards the matter. I realized it all yesterday though at my practicum. I was sitting with about 10 kids, one was HIV positive, about 5 were blind, and obviously all had been abandoned in some way, shape or form. As sarah just laid her head on my lap and we talked to them all, I felt so helpless like I could do nothing. And in that moment I realized how split up my heart truly is.
They say home is where your heart is but what if your heart is not in one place? Although I have not moved as much as some people have, I have moved a great deal. I also am someone who gets emotionally attached to people and places easily. I do not really know why, and my papa always told me that I needed to learn to control my emotions. Although as I have been growing up this has happened more, I am still someone who gets attached. Quickly, and I struggle with ever letting go.
I was born in Florida, then I moved to Indiana where I met friends for life. The Kirts will forever be my other family. Then I moved to northern France in the Alps, and the Southern France near Marseille. Then to Morocco. I lived in Georgia for the summers, and somehow ended up in Pennsylvania for school.
In each of those places I left a piece of me, of my heart. I fell in love over and over again and part of me will always be in those places. Now I am not saying that I am not 'whole' anymore, or that whoever I marry will not get all of my heart because that is not it at all.
Moving all around gave me many passions in life. I have this desire to change the world, even though realistically I know that I cannot. I have passions for so many things I do not know what on earth to do with my life.
All this to say that I love Africa, I love Uganda, and I am so very happy that I am here. I miss people yes, but I always miss someone - always. Also just that I think home is a relative term. Home is wherever I am in that moment. Home is my family and home is with the person who has my heart in a totally different way than anyone else ever will. Home is not a place where I grew up for 20 years of my life. Home is not a town, a city, or a country. Home is what you make it. Home is a feeling of belonging and a love for who you are with and where you are.
One of the best choices I have ever made for myself was to come here, and get away from everything for a semester. I absolutely love my life and I am so happy.
(I hope this all made some sense :)
Oh babysis :).. You are amazing.. I could right a novel on here probably, but I'll refrain.It made me think of last spring when I got all depressed when you were leaving, and I was leaving, and how much I love you.. if that makes any sense. I'm glad you've had a great time..
ReplyDeleteRach,
ReplyDeleteBeing RICH can be very difficult thing to manage... and you, at such a young age, are very very RICH! Nothing makes me happier than to know you are happy and happy about choices you are making in life. The best life is going to be one that has a lot of heart ache because we can not be more than one place at a time... we cannot be with all the people we love all the time... we cannot change all the misery that breaks our hearts... but if we get to be in great places and we get to be with our loved ones some and we try our best to change a life (or maybe a few lives)... that is living a RICH life!!!
I love you,
-papa